Sunday, December 5, 2010

I'm so over usernames.

With every damn website it seems like you need a user name, password, PIN code, personality, uh. Even if you order coffee, you need to give a name for your order. Say what? I'm over giving my name, and making up fake ones. I'm just using phrases from now on.

I had to create a user name & password to use free wifi the other day at a coffee shop. Yes, I did that. I'll do it again.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Oh my gawd. Thanksgiving. I'm still full. Why.

This Thanksgiving was extra special for a bitch, it was my Dutch husband's first one! And he was, well, underwhelmed. He couldn't understand why we made 4xs the amount of food, & I gots nothing except for - "It's tradition!!!" I mean, Christmas in Holland, Sinter Klaas has a "helper" called Zwarte Piet (means black Peter) in black face, who got dark from jumping down the chimey for him. Really? Then why does he have an afro? I'm just sayin. Tradition, shmadition!

Oh ma Good. You can't make that up. Back to turkey time. The Dutchy & I cooked with friends for my rents who flew in from Miami. It was tres cute. And if you don't know how to make a turkey, honey please, that's what is fo! That bird didn't have a damn chance. Look how cute our food looked!!

Look how uncute the dishes looked. I was washing pots like I was in prison or some sh*t.

Margot Lietman made homemade maple syrup cupcakes. Um, panties off!

No seriously. She even made the maple leave from something almond and delish. I've got 8 in my fridge, and still eating them!

My mom was in a straight food coma. Tres cute.

Holidays! Let's do it.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

NBC's Shortcuts Film Festival! Say word.

Yes honey, it was time for the annual Shortcuts Film Festival, and it was dope.
Wil Sylvince & Kendra Carter - the "go to" peeps that run the festival did not disappoint. I did warm up while everyone filed in their seats, and it was insane! (in a good way, hello ... )

I'm looking down at the audience and I see Eric La Salle. Of course I hear that song in my head .. "so letcha soooouuuull glow!"

Moving on to the next seat, was Robert Townsend. Would it be weird to pass out head shot & resumes on stage? Don't judge. Craig Robinson hosted the event & had everyone rolling the whole damn time. If you're into film making, you HAVE to submit your materials to Comedy Shortcuts. Stop thinking and starting doing. It's kind of amazing.

Hilarious comedian Karith Foster. Haaay.
Lookin' like a sister girl morning talk show!

I've got no jokes. Just catch phrases.

It's true. It wouldn't ever matter what I share on stage. My deepest, darkest, too real for tv stories, the only thing people would ever remember & quote back to me would be "Haaaaay", "Shhhut up!", or "Start that rumor!". No, but for reals. I've been performing at colleges regularly for the past 3 years, and my most favorite catch phrase out of an hour's worth of material & hundreds of schools? "From the Waist Down." What does it mean? Not a damn thing. Where'd I get it from? I have not damn idea. It just feels good. It's like ketchup, it'll go with any damn thing. Will these four little letters pay my bills? Probably not. But it makes me smile, and as far as I'm concerned, that sh*t is priceless. I remember the first time I did my "From the Waist Down" joke at NACA a couple of years ago. My showcase was fun, and when I was crossing the street, and van of kids yelled - "FROM THE WAIST DOWN!!!!!" I immediately looked at my zipper! My agent was all, "hello b*tch, isn't that your joke?" In that short moment, I felt like Chris Rock, but with back fat & aggressive hair. It was amazing...from the waist down.

I'll post video later. Get into it.

Friday, November 5, 2010

"Time Suck" !!! (Comedy Central Pilot..)

So I'm not one to go around and spread rumors, hello, that's cray cray - okay??
But I AM excited about a project that I wasn't invited to take part in, and I don't mean to tweet my own horn , but BEEP BEEP! If you don't know who the master mind might be - his name is Christian Finnegan - all I'll say is that it's a game show, it's hilarious, and he's responsible for all of it.
Done & done. New year, new body! Haaaay.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

My bologna has a first name...

This weiner mobile was parked outside my hotel. How badly do you wanna ride this thing? hehe...

BBQ Tennessee style.

If you know me, you know I love me some BBQ - but stay away from the pork. No judgement, that's just how I live my life. While doing a couple shows in Tennessee, the kids took me out for some BBQ at the world's famous Sugar's Ribs...

and I saw this on the menu!!!! Ew!! But yum??

Friday, October 15, 2010

This "graffiti" is better then any Maury Povich episode.

I saw this on a side of a building in downtown Los Angeles, while I was apartment hunting for a loft. Stop. Don't stop.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Umami. The 5th Taste.

If you like burgers, you'll LOVE these burgers. The portions are awesome, and you & your tummy won't feel like an asshole. Just look at my truffle burger!!!

I mean, don't you just wanna make out that thing? I did...

By the way, no one will ever take you seriously if you order a hamburger. I learned that the hard way. Uh. Judgement.

Let me know whatcha think!

My mom is a lush in training ...

My mom met me on one of my road gigs in Florida. We went out for a lil' drinky poo after the show, and she ordered Franjelico, cause she's a lady - hey hey. When she got her drink, she's all - "that's it!?!?" My mom is a full fledged lush. What a proud moment. Tear.

(Momma with her glass...)

She's all - "no, look at it.." Um, I think I fell in love with her all over again.
So - note to self - when you're going to have a liquor straight up, ask what glass it's served in, then get a double. And most importantly, don't judge.

My hood in Cali ...

Below is one of the ladies that walks the street of my LA hood. Not sure if you can see her face, or what she has on, but it's pretty damn festive. Someone get me a cucaracha and fast.

Friday, October 8, 2010

You can't make this sh*t up.

I just performed at a school in Mississippi ... that's not the shocking part, hello. Just before the show, I used the bathroom. The room across the bathroom had this sign on it. WHAT?!? Apparently there's a whole lotta breast feeding going on campus, so much that baby mommas needed their own room!!! Awww, now that's keeping everyone abreast. Ha, so what.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I kind of have a crush on the Hampton's Inn...

Ok, they had me at "breakfast bag" ... what?!? I travel all the time, have stayed in too many sh*tty hotels to count - but here's a fav that won't break ya bank. When I checked into the Hampton's, there were warm cookies, a friendly smile, AND this sign at the front desk. Panties off. Then in my room there was a mini fridge, microwave, and a bag of popcorn to pop! Shut it! They also have a gym, pool, and business section - but who cares?! For under $100, you get a decent stay with a damn breakfast in a bag. Um, yes please.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I saw Machete and lived to tell about it.

I love me some Robert Rodriguez, but damn, I'm not sure if I'm getting older, or if his movies are getting more campy. Spoiler alert! The first five minutes of the movie doesn't dissappoint (and that's relative...) There's a car chase, a machete fight, a fire, a hot naked chick - that pulls a cell phone out of her pussy cat. Talk about roll over minutes. Booyah! I'd say go see it, but unless you're a 13 yr old boy, or mildy retarded, but might not enjoy. Whatevs.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Seriously Delish.

If you're like me, you've got 4 food items at the end of your food shopping week in your fridge that don't go together. But you're also too damn lazy to go food shopping! Um, not a problem. If you don't mind cooking, and you LOVE to eat - hello, then why aren't we bizzies? (best friends, that's what the kids are saying)

My man and I were so hungry, so one night we went thru our fridge & freezer, and thru a meal together that was cuter then an episode of Rachel Ray! What what, start the rumor.

So this is what we had in the kitchen...

Tomatoes, white wine, oregano, and a little salt & pep, yum. We also had salmon in the freezer, and for a different taste, we decided to slather it in spicy mustard and garlic powder. So good! But don't try this on a first date, I'm just sayin. Then finally we had some asparagus that we grilled, but that's always tasty with some olive oil, sea salt & pepper. When we were done with the corn, we also put lime juice & parm cheese on it. I've only learned that recently because I'm in a Spanish hood now, and that's a very popular way to eat it in Mexico. Actually, I'm not sure, but it sounds good. Hey! Here's a warning - there's no bleach in this recipe what so evs! I'm a germaphob, and always use bleach to clean my counters. How you doin.

This is how it came out! Well, it was pretty damn tasty and we didn't feel guilty - ya know, like you just grew an asshole stomach - feel me?

Let me know what you've got going on in your kitchen, and what kind of "lemonade" you've made! Awww, so cute. Shut up.