Friday, December 16, 2011

Light Skin'd.

My parents live in Florida. But damn, they need to get out.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Graham Norton's "Would You Rather.."

I had the complete honor of being a guest panelist on Graham Norton's new show, "Would You Rather.." He's not pictured here, but the man is the sh*t, and I'd like to be like him when I grow up.

Also featured on the panel is Cyndi F'ing Lauper. (Pictured left) That woman looked amazing! She's aging like an Asian lady, gracefully! She had blonde hair, red lips, and red motorcycle gloves on, in doors - cause she can. I'm telling you it took every fiber of my being not to say ..."I see your true colors guurrrlll..." What? Yes.

My episode airs tonight, but I'm sure it will be repeated.

Saturday, December 3rd
BBC America
11pm/10c (not sure what time it would air in Europe)

Watch an exclusive sneak peek from the series premiere of BBC America's new original comedy panel show WOULD YOU RATHER...? WITH GRAHAM NORTON - and learn whether iconic pop star Cyndi Lauper would rather live the rest of her life with Darth Vader's Voice... or Alvin the Chipmunk's voice?

WOULD YOU RATHER...? WITH GRAHAM NORTON *** Premieres Saturday Dec 3 at 11pm/10c *** with back-to-back episodes - following an all new episode of The Graham Norton Show with guests Robin Williams, Elijah Wood and Jennifer Saunders.


Saturday, November 5, 2011

Half Marathon yo!

I ran my 3rd half marathon & lived to tell about it.
13.1 miles. 2 hours & 38 minutes of light jogging. No health insurance.
God Bless America.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


I mean, really man? This is how you want to roll on a flight? The WHOLE time?
Give your scalp a lil break!!!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Leggo my M&M..

I'm no Stacy London, but I've beef.

I know this might come across as judgemental, and well - that's fine with me.
This particular young man peaked my interest. He looked well over 25, responsible, law abiding, and pretty much sane...looking.

Now, he either has no fashion sense, and I'm ok with that - or just an extreme passion for M&Ms. Which freaks me out a little bit. Like he LOVES the shit out of them. So much so, that he had to represent the hard shelled candy in public, on his back, and in the winter.

Maybe growing up, he was the kid who traded his Reeses & Snickers just to have a 3 month supply of M&Ms. He might even name the colors of the candy. This might not be only M&M item he owns.

It might almost be his nationality. "What are you?" "Quarter Irish, English, and M&M on my mom's side." He eats them carefully, methodically, the same way every time, sort of like Dexter when he wraps the room before his kill with saran wrap.

Ok, maybe I've gone too far. But have I? Or has he. Deep down inside, I'm hoping that this jacket was free, and he just loves himself some yellow and red. Fingers and legs crossed. Forever.

I'm going to buy a book today and read. I think that'll be good for me.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Would you eat here?

Seriously. I. Was. HUNGRY. It was early morning, at some random airport in a small town in Texas, and there was only one place that was serving breakfast. I waited in a long line, only to come close to the counter to find a f'ing cowboy being used as a vase with fake flowers by the food. It was bizarre, random, and frankly, disgusting. Yes, the cowboy boot was USED. USE-DEH. And what's a girl to do? It's bad enough eating airport food, which is really just hospital food & 3xs as expensive as regular food in restaurants. Who's executive decision was this? "Yeah, f it - it's Texas, people like cowboy boots here.." Um, not on the counter top, on top of $8 scrambled eggs!!! Even though I had subway the night before for dinner, I decided that I had standards - at a small town airport, in the middle of Texas, that I can't even remember the name of. I decided that I could stand to skip a meal. And that I'd wait for my stale pretzels & warm orange juice on the plane. All in a day.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Toys in Italy.

Check out the crazy, inappropriate toys I found in Rome, Italy of all places. Look, I'm all about vintage stuff, and not forgetting history, but this is some other, other shit. For reals. I'm not even Jewish and I felt all types off uncomfortable. I didn't even want to walk down the street, afraid to see what was in the window around the corner! Say what? I just saw Precious, and was feelin' vulnerable, hello. Hug meh. What's really sad, is the person that is buying these, storing them up in a case somewhere, but hey, it's not like I'm invited to those parties...and the person that's trying to sell these things for money ... I'd respect you more if you were a "dancer" or a pharmacist ... the way I see it, it's an individual struggle, but I'm no Oprah. Sh*t, I don't have the OWN channel.

"Love each other, and yourself..." - Jerry Springer

Thursday, July 7, 2011

E'que me, but this is NOT a salad!

Cutting a head of lettuce in half, throwing mayonnaise & tomato bits on it, is not a salad! Are super markets really trying to sell this for six bucks and call it a salad? Hello- my three year cousin that can't even spell her name, or use an adult toilet can make a chef salad that will make her look like Rachel f'ing Ray. And she can't even use a knife. Stop trying to sell these half ass salads unless we're shopping at the dollar store!


Okay, you may go on about your lives. I'll go get a hug.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Driving in Los Angeles.

One of my friends gave me a ride in LA, when I went to go sit in the passenger seat, I noticed that she had a bible and a tissue box on the seat! Yes, honey, that's how you have to do when driving the mean streets in the City of Angels,come prepared. Driving in Los Angeles is like driving in a video game. Driving in Los Angeles, I realized why people get botox, the traffic ages a bitch. My husband is an atheist, I've never seen him pray, until he started driving here. No wonder why weed in legal in LA. Ok, I'm done. For now ...

Check me out on Lopez Ce Soir!

I totally trip on my big ass shoe when I come out, other then that, it was awesome!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Lopez Tonight! June 22nd!

I'll be making my late night, stand up debut this Wednesday, June 22nd.

Shut. UP!!!

Please check it out, and leave your cute comments on the website!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Must be my birthday!

Oh, thank you, America. Can't say there's nothing free at the gas station.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Oh hell nah ...

Life Lesson #34

When shopping in a thrift, it's definitely ok to try on the customs.
It's definitely not okay to walk around the store with them. With mom jeans.
I said it.

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Youth of America ...

...needs to spell check!!!

I performed at Chico State University, in Chico, Cali - and noticed the life size poster hanging, with February spelled all types of wrong. I mean, don't we learn how to spell the months like in 3rd grade? It's like failing an open book test!

She felt so stupid, I made her take a pic with me .. haha ..well, at least she's cute. Shut. Up.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

George Lopez, The Bachelor, and Me! Oh My!

So this is a lil' dated. But shit, it'll never get old. I did a sketch on Lopez Tonight, as a ghetto beeyotch that surprises The Bachelor. I know. Me, ghetto beeyotch, it was a stretch. At least I know I have range.

Enjoy .. and feel free to pass this along. I've got no shame.

Monday, February 21, 2011

From the waist down ... in China Town!

Now come, seriously ladies - isn't bad enough we wear makeup, fake nails, fake hair, padded bras, spanks ... NOW THIS!?!? And I'm not sayin' it's just Asain women, even though I did find this readily avail in China Town. It's padded booty underwear. Who cares if it's comfy & has a hole in the middle so you can go comando. We have to say no at some point! I'm not sure to who, or when, but soon.

3-D x 4.

I went to a short film screening with my husband. One of the films was in 3-D. I was sitting in front of him, and when I looked back to tell him something about the film, this is what I saw ... he took 3-D to a whole other level. Can't take this guy anywhere!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Holidazed & Confused.

Yeah, sorry. I'm still blogging about the holidays. I know, I know! But there are certain things I just can't let go, and I certainly can not wait to share this till December. But don't worry Murry, it's not like I still have my Christmas tree still up, or that I keep empty jars of mayonnaise in my fridge, or I'm hoarding cat skeletons on accident. You get the picture...and I've been watching too much A & E. I was home in Miami for Christmas and saw these festive ass nuggets walking around in public. P-U-B-L-I-C. This is a grown damn woman, walking around. She's GROWN!

I spotted this mother/daughter tart combo sporting high, elf socks in the food court. This is going to require some therapy later on - I have a feeling. And it's not gas...for once. You might think it's the same lady. And no, it's not. This is just what you look like from the back when you dress like this. Tell somebody. Tell everybody. Please. Save yo'self.

I caught this adorably delicious Santa's helper food shopping. She was nice enough to let me take her pic, so I'm not going to write anything scathing or judgemental.


Express that holiday, cray cray, high sock, culotte action at home! Like my mom and I do! This my mom getting the table ready for Christmas dinner, awww...ain't she cute? At home? Where no one can see her? And we can celebrate and get down in private?

Now, this is how I spread my Christmas cheer. In the morning, with a cute snowman coffee cup. No camel toe required.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Torcher. Absolute torcher.

Dear Macy's,

Although I'm was really excited & relieved to find affordable spanks in my size, do you have to go selling Godiva f'ing chocolate at the register? I understand the concept of cross promotion, and supply & demand. However, I must let you know, that this is rude, and just mean. I said it.

Miss Buteau

Scarlett Johansson in Drag?

No, for realsies. I was frolicking in the mall, trying to find something to fit over my woman parts for New Years Eve, & I saw this advertisement. Now, I've been to my fair share of drag shows, and I have to say - either this person is a pretty man, or a damn cute butch. But dayuuum - tell me this doesn't look like Scarlett in drag?!

Aww, come on!!! Work. It.