Would you eat here?

Seriously. I. Was. HUNGRY. It was early morning, at some random airport in a small town in Texas, and there was only one place that was serving breakfast. I waited in a long line, only to come close to the counter to find a f'ing cowboy being used as a vase with fake flowers by the food. It was bizarre, random, and frankly, disgusting. Yes, the cowboy boot was USED. USE-DEH. And what's a girl to do? It's bad enough eating airport food, which is really just hospital food & 3xs as expensive as regular food in restaurants. Who's executive decision was this? "Yeah, f it - it's Texas, people like cowboy boots here.." Um, not on the counter top, on top of $8 scrambled eggs!!! Even though I had subway the night before for dinner, I decided that I had standards - at a small town airport, in the middle of Texas, that I can't even remember the name of. I decided that I could stand to skip a meal. And that I'd wait for my stale pretzels & warm orange juice on the plane. All in a day.

Toys in Italy.

Check out the crazy, inappropriate toys I found in Rome, Italy of all places. Look, I'm all about vintage stuff, and not forgetting history, but this is some other, other shit. For reals. I'm not even Jewish and I felt all types off uncomfortable. I didn't even want to walk down the street, afraid to see what was in the window around the corner! Say what? I just saw Precious, and was feelin' vulnerable, hello. Hug meh. What's really sad, is the person that is buying these, storing them up in a case somewhere, but hey, it's not like I'm invited to those parties...and the person that's trying to sell these things for money ... I'd respect you more if you were a "dancer" or a pharmacist ... the way I see it, it's an individual struggle, but I'm no Oprah. Sh*t, I don't have the OWN channel.

"Love each other, and yourself..." - Jerry Springer

E'que me, but this is NOT a salad!

Cutting a head of lettuce in half, throwing mayonnaise & tomato bits on it, is not a salad! Are super markets really trying to sell this for six bucks and call it a salad? Hello- my three year cousin that can't even spell her name, or use an adult toilet can make a chef salad that will make her look like Rachel f'ing Ray. And she can't even use a knife. Stop trying to sell these half ass salads unless we're shopping at the dollar store!

Rude!

Okay, you may go on about your lives. I'll go get a hug.

Driving in Los Angeles.

One of my friends gave me a ride in LA, when I went to go sit in the passenger seat, I noticed that she had a bible and a tissue box on the seat! Yes, honey, that's how you have to do when driving the mean streets in the City of Angels,come prepared. Driving in Los Angeles is like driving in a video game. Driving in Los Angeles, I realized why people get botox, the traffic ages a bitch. My husband is an atheist, I've never seen him pray, until he started driving here. No wonder why weed in legal in LA. Ok, I'm done. For now ...

Check me out on Lopez Ce Soir!

I totally trip on my big ass shoe when I come out, other then that, it was awesome!

Lopez Tonight! June 22nd!

I'll be making my late night, stand up debut this Wednesday, June 22nd.

Shut. UP!!!

Please check it out, and leave your cute comments on the website!

Must be my birthday!

Oh, thank you, America. Can't say there's nothing free at the gas station.